


Healing Memories

by ToBetterOurselves



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-05 01:03:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12783552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToBetterOurselves/pseuds/ToBetterOurselves
Summary: After Spock's death, Jim is overwhelmed by the loss of his bondmate. Sarek helps him manage the pain.





	Healing Memories

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t believe it, but I actually published one of my many WIPs. This is the first chapter of four - really it’s just the intro. Comments are so appreciated, even if it's just an acknowledgement that you read it! 
> 
> Even criticism is appreciated! I promise not to be offended - I will attempt to use some Vulcan wisdom. If my work is criticized, I may be upset at first, but it will help me grow as a writer, which is more important than my ego.

The first night after Spock's death, Jim didn't know what to do with himself. He picked up A Tale of Two Cities and sat down to read, but his eyes couldn't see the words in front of him. Memories were playing on repeat in his mind, like a song stuck in his head. Spock’s burnt, dying face. The weak “uhh” sound he had made as he struggled to stand. His hand touching the glass.

Jim’s body felt coiled for a fight, but he had nothing to hit. He grabbed his communicator and threw it against the wall at full strength. It smashed satisfyingly, the glass plating shattering into spiderwebs. But it did nothing for the horror in his belly.

Eventually, the tears came. Jim cried until his eyes felt like sandpaper. He clutched the pillow, the blanket, the sheets, his own hair – pulling, ripping, just to relieve even a tiny bit of the tension that was overwhelming him.

After hours of crying, Jim finally drifted off. He was dehydrated, congested, and drooling - facedown on the mattress.

His alarm woke him just a few hours later. His body was exhausted, but the numbness was a blessing. He managed to get dressed, eat, talk with his crew - for one shift at least, before crawling back to his room.

Late at night, once everyone else on his shift had gone to bed, Jim read old communications with Spock. Little notes about groceries. Long-winded memos on inter-planetary politics. One note in particular he read over and over. Spock had been traveling, and had wrote Jim just to tell him he missed him. Jim thought it qualified as a love letter.

Reading Spock’s messages, with the ship quiet and his room empty, Jim cried himself to sleep again. Woke up numb. Made it through his shift. And repeat.

 

***

 

Coming back to San Francisco should have been a relief. It turned out to be draining. Jim was immediately thrown into countless meeting with the Admiralty. As the meetings progressed, he became more and more rude - cutting people off, giving short answers, even snapping at the cadet who was working at the front desk. His already frayed emotional state felt about to snap. 

Worst of all, no one called him on his behavior. They spoke to him in kind, soft tones, throwing pitying glances his way. At the end of each meeting, people came up to him to shake his hand and say they were sorry for his loss. Jim wanted to rip his hand away.

At the end of all of it, he was tasked with the decision of whether to tranquilize Bones. Jim was ready to argue for Bones, to stand up for his friend and crewman, when Bones disassociated in front of all of them. Jim had to agree with the professionals - Bones needed help. It was better to make sure he was safe. There was something wrong with his friend, and he didn’t know what.

There was something wrong with the world, and Jim knew exactly what it was.

 

***

 

When Sarek showed up at his door, the first thing Jim felt was guilt. He should have called them. He knew Starfleet would have informed Sarek - it was procedure - but Jim hadn’t bothered to call his in-laws. What would he have said?

To be fair, they hadn’t tried to call him, either. 

Sarek was a storm of brown robes as he swept into the apartment, sending Jim’s crew away without a glance.

 

***

 

“Kirk, I must have your thoughts. May I join your mind?”

It took Jim a second to realize what he’d been asked. Jim had never melded with anyone but Spock.

Once he processed what Sarek had asked, Jim couldn’t help but see the logic in it. He and Sarek were clearly failing to communicate. A meld would provide clarity. And he had nothing to hide from his father in-law.

Jim nodded. They sat down next to each other, and Sarek leaned forward until their knees touched.

Jim knew Vulcan hearing - he was sure Sarek could hear his heart racing. The fireplace was warm on their faces, and for half a breath, Jim saw Spock in front of him - Spock’s cheekbones, his dark eyebrows, and his long, thin fingers reaching toward his face.

At Sarek’s touch, Jim’s eyes closed. Sarek’s mind was gentle and focused, but Jim could feel the undercurrent of pain and frustration. _His mind is disordered,_ Jim realized. _But the cause is sufficient,_ he thought bitterly.

If Sarek noticed the thoughts about his mind, he did not react. Without delay, he asked Jim to show him the memory of Spock’s death. At the suggestion, Jim felt himself falling into the memory, his sense of self bleeding into the Enterprise.

From a faraway distance, Jim heard his body in San Francisco say Spock’s name aloud.

He was in Engineering, his hand pressed against the transparent wall.

“Spock!”

Spock was facing away from him. At the sound of Jim’s voice, Spock stood shakily, gripping the wall for support.

Jim wanted nothing more than to slam the door release, run to his lover’s side, and help him stand.

But Spock made it up on his own, and straightened his jacket before turning to face Jim. Spock walked toward him, but something was wrong... Spock walked slightly toward Jim’s left, and then walked into the wall.

 _He’s blind_. The thought hit Jim like a punch to the gut.

Spock moved to him, and took a shaky breath.

“Ship… out of danger?” Spock’s voice was raspy and tight. Oh god, all Jim wanted to hear was his lover’s voice soft and gentle again. But he forced himself to answer his question - Spock deserved to know they were safe. He was a hero.

"Yes."

Spock nodded. “Do not grieve, Captain. It was logical. The needs of the many... outweigh...”

Jim’s whole body tensed, begging Spock to keep speaking. To stay standing. To survive.

But Spock wasn’t continuing. The air was caught in his throat.

“The needs of the few.” Jim finished for him.

“Or the one,” Spock said.

_Or the two, Spock! The needs of the two of us. Why did you have to be so noble? Couldn’t you have been selfish for me? There is always another way. We could have found another way._

Spock’s knees buckled, and Jim reached as though he could help. But Spock caught himself with a gloved hand against the wall.

“I never took the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?”

Jim's heart contracted. He nearly screamed at Spock. _What do I think of your solution? You idiot Vulcan, this is the single worst thing you’ve ever done! How could you say something like that?_

Instead, Jim twitched, suddenly aware of the people watching him. Jim pushed down the desire to turn at scream at everyone to leave them alone. They wouldn’t. They were afraid he’d open the door and kill them all. They were right to worry.

Spock’s knees gave out. Jim sank with him, desperately looking at his lover’s face. Jim was pressed against the wall, as close as he could get. Never again would he feel Spock’s mind merged with his.

“I have been…” Jim froze. Their wedding vows. Spock had repeated them to him only earlier that day, standing in their quarters, again facing danger side by side.

“...and always shall be, yours.”

Spock raised his hand to the glass in a ta’al.

“Live long… and prosper.”

Suddenly, Jim remembered where he was. This was a mind meld. He was in his apartment in San Francisco with Sarek. This was only a memory, and it was coming to a close.

As painful as the memory was, the realization that it was ending was even worse. Spock’s last moments were slipping away. _No!_ Jim thought. _Please don’t take me back. Leave me here with him._ “No...” Jim said aloud, his awareness snapping back to his apartment.

As he came out of the meld, Jim felt like he was being unfrozen. Tears pooled behind his eyes. He… he… he was not going to cry in front of Sarek.

“Excuse me, Ambassador, for just one minute please.” Jim managed to spit out before he fled to the bathroom.

The door had barely shut behind him before the tears started. Jim’s hand covered his mouth, trying to hide the choked sounds. Jim lowered himself to the floor, burying his head in his knees. With his eyes closed, Jim once again saw Spock’s face covered in radiation burns, Spock using every bit of his Vulcan control to ignore the pain, Spock’s hand, burned and shaking, reaching up to touch the wall.

No! Jim snapped his eyes open.

_Breathe, Kirk. Think like Spock. Emotions are just a physical state. A physical state that you can control._

_Breathe!_

_In… Out… In… Out… In… Out…_

 

***

 

From the next room, Sarek heard Kirk crying.

The last time he had heard that sound was nine years ago. Amanda’s sister had died. He heard the noise of her crying from the hallway, and walked into their bedroom.

Amanda looked up at him, tears on her cheeks. She reached out to Sarek and mumbled, “Sarek, will you come here?”

With her arms outstretched, she reminded him of their children as toddlers, reaching for their mother’s embrace. Sarek felt a wave of disgust. Amanda was an adult, not a child. She should have been able to control those emotions, process them. Her inability to do so was a sign of her weakness.

Amanda read the expression on his face. Her face fell even further as she dropped her arms. “I’m sorry, husband. I’ll come out later when I’m feeling better.”

Sarek retreated to the meditation room. He started by bringing his awareness to the anxiety that had arisen in his body in the past minute. He focused first on calming himself, using breathing exercises he usually used to prepare for high-stakes meetings.

After he reached a calmer state of mind, he considered his reaction. He had reacted with disgust. Why? Vulcan culture abhors emotional weakness. It is logical. A Vulcan who is unable to control their emotion is a risk - their emotionality could lead them to harm another.

But Amanda was not a risk. Her emotional expression did not indicate any increased risk of violence. In addition, Amanda was not Vulcan, and in his marriage vows he had promised her that he would respect her human heritage. Sarek’s reaction had been wrong.

In this moment of intense emotionality, Amanda needed comfort. Sarek could provide that. The logic of providing aid to his wife was greater than his distaste for her expression of emotion.

Sarek went back into the room to find Amanda lying on the bed, crying again. Sarek laid down facing Amanda. He pulled the blanket over them, and then wrapped his arm around her, gently pulling her head into his chest. Amanda sighed and sniffed loudly, and then nuzzled her head under his chin.

As he held his wife, her tears slowed, and then stopped. She fell asleep still wrapped in Sarek’s embrace, and eventually, he followed her. That was the first night in his adult life that Sarek fell asleep without brushing his teeth.

As he considered that memory, Sarek’s mind turned to Jim Kirk - his son’s t’hy’la. A member of Sarek’s family. Kirk was in great pain. If Kirk thought Sarek’s mind was disordered, he’d be shocked to see how his own mind appeared right now. Kirk was drawing on both human and Vulcan techniques to present a calm face, but the mind that had shown him that memory had been suffering deeply.

Sarek could help. Spock and Amanda would want him to help. It was the right thing to do.

 

***

 

Jim stood up from the bathroom floor. He turned on the water and splashed his face. A glance in the mirror told him he wasn’t fooling anyone, even without Vulcan hearing. _Kaiidth_ , he thought.

Jim walked out into the living room. Sarek was sitting in the same chair, his eyes closed and his breathing even. As Jim walked in, Sarek’s eyes opened.

Jim spoke first. “I’m sorry, Sarek.”

Sarek spoke gently. “There is no need to apologize. There is no offense...”

“When none is taken,” Jim finished. “Thanks.” He sat back down in his chair.

Sarek leaned forward.

“Tomasu.”

Jim started. Sarek always called him “Kirk.”

“That means… relative?”

“Yes. You are part of my family.” Sarek continued, “Tomasu - I know you are in a great deal of pain. Vulcans have a way of managing grief that I believe would be of use to you.”

Jim winced. Yes, he was in pain. That much was obvious.

But Jim didn’t want to lose his grief. His emotional reaction to losing Spock is what made him human… made him who he is. He felt pain because of how much he loved Spock. He could never lose that.

Sarek saw his hesitation, and correctly understood why. “This would not cause you to forget Spock, nor feel any less for him. You will still grieve. You will still experience loss. This method will allow you to sleep without reliving the painful memory of the moment of his death. We will bring positive memories to the front of your mind, wrapping your pain in the memory of the happiness you once felt.”

Jim must have still looked skeptical. Sarek continued, “I, myself, have been meditating on my son, as a way to heal the pain of losing him.”

Jim imagined Sarek on a transport vessel to Earth, kneeling in his quarters, thinking about his son. Mourning him, by any other name. It was a sad image.

“Sarek… how is Amanda?”

Sarek’s eyes softened. “Amanda is at Michael’s apartment right now. Their shared presence is comforting to each other.”

“Good,” Jim said. “Spock would want to know they were together.”

Jim imagined Amanda and Michael comforting each other. Tears sprung to Jim’s eyes again. He wanted someone to comfort him. Jim was surprised at how deeply he suddenly wanted to be hugged.

Sarek reached his hand toward him, and Jim jumped.

“Kirk, please... Let me help, Tomasu,” Sarek said.

Jim wanted to be helped.

“Okay,” Jim said. “Please.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come back for chapter 2, where we get to see some fluffy Spirk love.


End file.
